21 Reasons Why Alanis Morisette Hearts Me

So I was listening to Alanis Morisette's 21 Things I Want In A Lover this morning (don't laugh), and I realised that I score pretty highly...

AM: Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Me: Yes

AM: Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
Me: I try not to. I also try not to misplace negatives to make lyrics work better.

AM: Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know that it alone does not equate wisdom? Me: Absolutely

AM: Do you see everything as an illusion?
Me: No, not really.

AM: But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Me: I'm sorry, what?

AM: Are you both masculine and feminine?
Me: I'm a guy who cried at 'Million Dollar Baby' - does that count?

AM: Politically aware?
Me: Absolutely - Obama in '08!

AM: And don't believe in capital punishment?
Me: Definitely - although some of your grammar is starting to change my mind.

AM: Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that loving someone can actually feel like freedom?
Me: Um...I guess so.

AM: Are you funny?
Me: I was once described as a 'comedy genius'

AM: Self-deprecating?
Me: I'm really bad at self-deprecation. (See what I did there?)

AM: Like adventure?
Me: Absolutely! I once went for an entire week without flossing!

AM: And have many formed opinions?
Me: Yes indeed. Opinion is my middle name. (My parents wanted a girl)

AM: Are you uninhibited in bed?
Me: Well, I do enjoy a good lie-in.

AM: More than three times a week?
Me: Well, as long as my classes allow, three lie-ins a week is fine with me.

AM: Up for being experimental?
Me: As long as I don't get burned with acid, experiments are fine.

AM: Are you athletic?
Me: Next question?

AM: Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother?
Me: I don't have a brother. Come on Ali, it's like you don't even read the three letters I send to you every week!

AM: Are you not addicted?
Me: Only to your music, Alanis...well, that and cheesy lines.

AM: ...curious and communicative...
Me: Is that even a question?

My number's on Facebook Alanis - I'm waiting for your call.

A Soppy, Yet Heartfelt Thank You

I had an amazing winter break.

In fact, it may have been the best winter break ever. I think the trick to enjoying holidays is to go for very long periods without them. This is very similar to my current theory that the best way to get on with your family is to only see them for very short periods of time.

When I left Illinois, I was definitely looking forward to returning to Britain. I was excited about seeing people I hadn't seen in seven months and about doing stuff I hadn't done in ages, but I was also very aware that I had a limited time to do it in. This necessitated great efficiency, prior planning, and an organised system.

I had none of these.

And yet you, yes all you wonderful people out there made this truly a Christmas Holidays to be remembered. Whether it was thrashing Roger and the Scholls at Risk, going for a walk at three in the morning on New Years Day, playing pool at the Sports Cafe or talking Claire and Hannah's ears off about how amazing my time at Illinois has been, these three weeks have been simply awesome.

When I came back, I figured this holiday would be like any other - sit around on the sofa most days, maybe see people every so often, but mostly be bored. In this respect, I couldn't have been more wrong. This may have been connected to my friends' somewhat fanatical desire to spend time with me - in one case travelling all the way from Inverness to spend an hour with me.

I feel this is the point where I stop being vague, and single out a few individuals for special thanks. And by a few, I mean lots.

First up, my wonderful sister, Frances. Of all the people I've missed while I've been away, you were top of the list. I may hide it incredibly well sometimes, but I do love you, and I love to spend time with you - especially the ridiculous in-jokes we share. I try to explain them to other people, but they just don't understand. I hate mandatory minimums.

Martin - I miss you buddy. All the time. Hello there lighty.

Nik - Badger Position! I just lost the game. Thanks for getting me through - I'll return the favour anytime.

Robin - Thank you for being lovely. I love Robin.

Jamie - This holiday has been a million times better because I finally got to know you properly. Let's not lose touch again.

Andrew - The hugs don't lose anything with repetition.

Claire Storm Philips - If I could choose anyone to be my ex-girlfriend, it'd be you. I think that's a compliment. Don't become a Rah, please.

Josiah - Thank you for letting me just appear and take possession of what is really now your flat. Thanks also for letting me host a party there when your only form of notice was your invitation.

Luke - Stay in Edinburgh. Please.

Clare O'Driscoll - Thank you for not telling me to shut up. I'll still be in Edinburgh when you get back, I promise.

Clare McVittie - You're the best ex-wife a man could hope for.

Christy & Ruth - I didn't realise how much I missed you until I saw you again. Please, don't ever change. If you do, at least act the same around me.

Thom - Thank you for my jumper and my CD. And I know, you're not gay.

Esther - I miss you. Thanks for dinner and wine. It was very bizarre you cooking me food, but I think it worked out pretty well.

If I've missed you out, it's because I suck at remembering things. You've all been wonderful to me in this holiday, and well, just in general actually. I miss you all, and I'll see you when I get back. You guys rock so much, it's unbelievable. Thank you.

I've Dropped More Ts than You've had Hot Dinners

A friend of mine asked me a while back if she could write a paper on me, or rather, on my accent. I agreed, and she recorded me speaking. She wrote a paper, which included this transcript of the recording:

Sandy: “So I’m in Wal-Mart yesterday… and…no, this, like, was a couple weeks ago. Anyway, this was a while ago. I’m in Wal-Mart and I was trying to use the automatic cashier-less thing – the till. So I’m standing there and you have the swipe-y thing on the thing and it beeps so I have a Mar-, not a Mars Bar, sorry, I had a Milky Way as they call them in this country. And – ”

Jeanne: “Milky Way? What do they call them at home?”

Sandy: “Mars Bars.”

Jeanne: “Oh… okay.”

Sandy: “Yeah, exactly. So I swipe my Milky Way and I think, “Right, I’m going to eat this later,” so I put it in my pocket. And then the Wal-Mart, like, machine, like, starts, like, beeping and saying “You have not put the Milky Way in the bag,” and I was like, “um, okay.” So I take it out of my pocket and put it in the bag and it says, “There is something in the bag that was not swiped through the cash register.” I was like, “No I just…” So at this point I’m arguing with the machine. I’m like, it’s very annoying, like, “No, I can see that, ri-.” So then I realize at this point, so I take it out of the bag, swipe it, it goes, “You have been charged for three Milky Ways.” I was like, “No! I only have one! One Milky Way! It’s not even in two bits like back home!” So I get very irritated. I keep swiping it and it’s starting again and this woman behind me is obviously getting really really irritated. She’s like [imitates frustrated breathing]. And like, I, I’m getting really… you know, I’m a newcomer in this country, I don’t know what I’m doing. So eventually I think, “Alright, alright,” so then I turn around to her and I’m like, “Listen love, I’m really sorry but I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t understand it.” And she looks at me, she’s like “Oh you’re English! Let me help you!” And she does this amazing... I’m sure she was launching a space shuttle or something and I’m sure it undercharged me as well so I was really excited. Put it in the bag, pick it up and leave.”

I'm somewhat ashamed.